Tinder dating as a Succulent Babe: Why I have retired myself from the Tinder game

Since my last relationship my tinder dates have decreased significantly, and it’s because I’ve decided (after 3 long ass years of profile sifting and thumb cramps) that I am officially done with this app.

Why? Well…

  • Millennial dating how you have royally fucked my generation. If you’ve never heard the term millennial dating, it’s basically an explanation of “you can date her/him BUT… the next person you meet COULD be better”.  Excuse my language, but what in the actual fuck. Why has this become a thing? Why can’t we meet someone, like them, them like us, date the shit out of each other, and MAYBE just MAYBE commit to being in a relationship without thinking “what if” or “who else is out there.”
  • Why do you build me up, buttercup baby just to let me down?        AKA: Why are you so awesome for date 1-4 and then crumble at the site of commitment? Comm-phobs everywhere, and yet they still want it ALL. (Listen up boys, not every girl is looking to get married tomorrow. With that being said, if you’re with a girl and she is allocating time to spend with you, it is not for funzies. If a busy, successful woman is giving you her time and attention, you better believe that she is interested. So don’t fuck it up.)
  • And lastly, I’m just tired. I’m tired of dealing with fuck-boys, and I’m tired of going on dates to entertain conversations where guys just talk about themselves. I’ve also gone on a lot of really good dates with good people. But we always seem to remember the ugly first.

There you have it folks! The good-ish, the juicy, the bad, and the ugly! I have since retired myself from the app, and you can now catch me in real time! Aka: At work, at the barn, McDonald’s, drinking champagne, or working on my awesome business with my bomb ass tribe. It wouldn’t be in Succulent Babe nature to have this blog talking purely about negative experiences. I’d like to highlight the Tinder good guys that I’ve had the pleasure of spending time with. Wherever you guys are I’m sending you so much light and love.

Trey Songz of New Zealand: You showed me electricity and then gave me hope that electricity between two humans actually existed.

Adam: You got me excited about ME because you asked questions and cared to listen. I couldn’t thank you enough for being proud of my business and me.

Jesus the bass player (Jonathan): This was probably the first date ever where I truly just hung out with a guy and there were no expectations. And… you didn’t judge me when it was 2 am and I had to pee in a bush. I’m happy to still call you my friend.

If I were to sum up my overall tinder experience into LSL, it would look like:

Longevity: Other than 3 years of tinder persistence, I would say that there is longevity in what I have to offer as a person. I am a love hard, work hard woman and I will sure as hell find relationship that reflects just that.

Success: I have successfully and fully established my worth.

Lessons: If you’ve gotten to this blog post, YOU KNOW ALL THE LESSONS.

Please keep in mind that I only speak from my own experiences, and Tinder definitely has its success stories. And yes, I know I’m only 24 and finding my future succulent partner isn’t going to happen overnight. Until then! I’ll be making more of an effort to go out (like in public not just to the bar). I hear playing co-ed sports even though you’re not good at “sports” is something worth exploring! The way I see it, we can only go up from here!

Thugs & Kisses,

Alaine

Tinder dating as a Succulent Babe: The Prince of Red Deer

First off, let me start off by saying that the Prince of Red Deer and I went on a great first and last date. I decided to mention him in this series, because I think that my experience with him is SO common. This was my last tinder date ever, and this experience was the cherry on top of my decision to put and end to self-torturous thumb cramps.

I call him the Prince of Red Deer because he truly was charming. This freakishly great date happened over dinner and a glass of wine. He refused to let me pay for any part of the bill, because I shared the Big Cheese story so he wanted to make up for that. Amazing, right? Did I mention he drove 2 hours out of Calgary just go for dinner with me? Another win! I shit you not he knew my ring size and engagement ring on the first date (it was jokingly brought up), but he didn’t run away and instead laughed WITH ME. Here I am dancing, making snapchats about my Tinder adventures, we’re planning the next date, and I know what you’re thinking, how could this possibly take a turn? It does when he bails not twice BUT THREE TIMES ON PLANS. By bail, I mean would stop responding to my text messages as we got closer to the actual date- the worst.

In the midst of all of this uncertainty I enlisted Addy (fellow Succulent Babe) to search the shit out of this dude. Addy’s findings include:

  • As per his profile available to strangers, www.tuckermax.com is listed as a website. Now, if you’re like me, and had no idea about this website you will be very disappointed to know that it represents all things fuck-boy and worse.
  • There’s no second point, but point one should have been enough for me to run.

Ugh. Just ugh. In hindsight I should have listened to Addy when she told me to get the fuck out of there (see that Addy!? I’m admitting you were right). But because I’m a strong independent woman who needs to learn for myself, what did I do??? Oh you know it, I responded to the guy even after I politely ended our pen pal relationship. And what came of it you ask? Well, on a Friday evening while I was busy living my life in downtown Calgary (half a bottle of wine later- rightfully so). I get a text from the Prince himself saying that he was disappointed I chose to end things and not give him a second chance. First off, who gave anyone the right to be disappointed in me? No one has that right. Long story short, the Prince of Red Deer wanted me to leave my Friday night plans, drive to Red Deer so he could make me dinner and make up his shitty behavior. “I’m sorry what? You want me to buy gas FOR YOU?” – was my actual reaction. Just as a general rule of thumb, when I don’t understand what someone is trying to say I will repeat their words right back to them just to make sure we’re all on the same page. So, I say “just to clarify, you want me to drive over an hour to see you, so you can make up for bailing on me 3 times?” He says, “yes”. My next question, “did you think I was doing nothing at 6pm on a Friday night?” He answers, “I was hoping so!” (Just to be clear, even if I were at home in my pj’s on a Friday night, my reaction would still be the same.)

Lets pause. I’m a 24-year who has a lot to celebrate. Breathing, working, dreaming, being a Succulent Babe is all worth celebrating on a Friday night. Let’s be real here, would you leave your bottle of Quails Gate Rose and good company to drive to Red Deer at 6 pm for dinner? YOU BETTER NOT.

After going back and forth with the Prince, I said, “I think you have good intentions here, but I‘ve given you more than enough chances here to make up for bailing. I value my time a lot and I thought we had great chemistry, but I did nothing wrong so I’m not putting in any more effort into you. If you want to make it up to me, just do it.” Still insisting on dinner that night at his place which was not in this city. My final words to the Prince of Red Deer you ask?

“I am worth much more than a home cook meal from the heart. All the best.” This was hard for me to say because I reaaaallly love food and I never turn down a home cooked meal. BUT, when you choose to disregard my time and expect me to go out of my way when that effort isn’t being reciprocated YOU OUTTA YO MIND.

The success: I believe I successfully dodged a bullet of unfulfilled promises. I know that I successfully respected my time and myself by establishing a limit and actually following through.

The lesson: Not all home cooked meals lead to good relationships (even if the person making it is trained in French cuisine). DAMN IT.

Tinder dating as a Succulent Babe: Champagne Papi wanna-be (2)
 

Guy who I thought looked like Drake, therefore justified going on a date with him. Did he actually look like Drake in person? Oh, not even close. This is the closest I’ve been to being cat fished. It’s not my fault I was expecting to be the next Champagne Mami! The date involved going for a drink, and him talking about his BMW, truck, motorbike, and chicken. Yeah, he had his own chicken. I have no explanations for you guys, so I’m going to leave it at that. Not-Drake makes the top 2 for my Tinder highlights not for the date, but for the text message I received the very next morning. And yes, I obviously have the screen shot. Please note that the visual content below has inappropriate language not meant for minors, unless they want nightmares...

 
don't be this guy
 

I’m just going to let that sit with you for a moment. As I write this blog, I still find myself at a lost for words. I do have a lot of swear words that come to mind…

I’m just going skip to the lessons learned:

1)   Umm… Don’t go on a date because you think a guy looks like Drake.

2)   Don’t say screen shot worthy things, because you will be put on blast. Even if it’s a year later.

3)   There is no longevity in a dude who has no shame in sending you this message after the first time you meet (unless you both have shared that you’re into that kind of thing- which is all good in the hood too!)

Thugs & Kisses,

Alaine

 
 
 
Tinder dating as a Succulent Babe - 4 Part Series

First off, as this is our very first blog post EVER we need to say thank you for even clicking onto this page. We have all the feels starting this blog, and we're so excited to share it with you Succulent Babes. So, just because it's friday and we anticipate you'll be reading this series in all of its juicy-ness in bed on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon (perhaps a little hung-over) we're starting off with 'Tinder Dating as a Succulent Babe' part 1. YOU are most welcome! 

Where do I even start? Do I start by telling you about the guy who referred to himself as the “big cheese”? Or the guy who made a poor judgment call and told me his OH SO hot and steamy dream about yours truly (after our first and last date). My love hate relationship with this app began approximately 3 years ago. Working as a young professional in the female dominated field of social services has been great in the career aspect of my life, expanding my network of hot boys? Not so much. Not that the men in my field of work aren’t amazing, because many are! But they’re also either married, about to retire, or don’t swing this way. So, my 21-year-old self took the tinder plunge and my 24-year-old self is still single… as fuck. I can honestly say I’ve been on over 70 dates and have talked to hundreds of eligible bachelors in the Calgary area. Yes, I’ve seen some of them in public randomly, and yes we always act as if we’ve never seen each other’s profiles.

I have honestly tried my best to keep a positive attitude while dating on this app, and obviously had three years of solid hope. Being in a place in my life where I can confidently say that I have a lot of my shit together I can also say that I want to go on dates and spend time with someone. I figured that I’m probably not the only Succulent Babe out there who is going through the same millennial dating struggles, and my experiences are pretty entertaining. I’m also someone that laughs at my own jokes and Snapchats so my definition of entertaining may be skewed.

This blog series isn’t going to talk about every single date I’ve been on. This series is going to take you through some of my highlights and why I’m no longer on the app while connecting it all back to longevity, lessons, or success in some way shape or form. It’s going to be pretty unapologetic. So, without further or due I give you... The Big Cheese!

Again, where do I even start? I’m just going to do a bullet point play by play of the date:

  • The Big Cheese asked what I do for a living, so I answered the question and politely asked, “what about you?” and that is when he answered, “Well, I’m kind of the big cheese.” Because I’m a smart independent curious woman, I wanted to know what gave the Big Cheese his substance. I found out that the Big Cheese was a VP of an oil and gas company. Without giving too much personal information away the Big Cheese did well for himself (proud of him for that!) but presented in a way that was not Succulent Babe like and because you already know live, breathe and eat the Succulent Babe mindset you know exactly what I’m talkin’ about.
  • As the date went on Big Cheese ordered another drink. I had finished my one beer and within an hour had two used the ladies room, twice. GOD FORBID, right? Well, as I stand up to excuse myself he makes the comment, “That IBS, eh!?” YEAH, IBS as in Irritable Bowel Syndrome. WTF. I KNOW. First of all, that’s rude, and second who in their right mind says something like that to someone they don’t even know? THE BIG CHEESE DOES.
  • Upon my return from the ladies room, the Big Cheese has the nerve to ask, “Hey! How do you think this date is going?” At this point I was all kinds of confused and shocked as to how this date was going, so I asked “did you want like an anonymous survey type answer?” He said “sure!” SO, I said, “I’ve honestly gone on some pretty shitty dates, but this by far is the worst.” And THE BIG CHEESE WAS SHOCKED, and I needed the bill so I could get the hell out of there.
  • The bill arrived and guess who forgot their big cheesy wallet? OH, YOU KNOW IT! The Big Cheese. He proceeded to apologize and ask if he could email transfer me. My response? “NO, I do not want you to have my email.” And I paid for the bill. In hindsight, I should have walked to the bar and paid for my own drink and said “bye boy bye!”
  •  As I walked to my car to drive far far away, the Big Cheese was still walking beside me. Why? Because the forces of the universe made it so we actually parked right beside each other. As I approach my car he says, “did you pay for that yourself?” No words. None.

In conclusion, the Big Cheese was actually the Big Flop.

The lesson learned: Do NOT talk to anyone who refers to himself or herself as the Big Cheese, unless you are in fact talking to a big block of cheese.

Thugs & Kisses,

Alaine